Beginning the real journey

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​“It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey.” -Wendell Berry

My personal story has a lot of God in it. What I mean is that the concept and experience of God has played a large role in my life. My spirituality has a Christian flavor to it because Christianity is the tradition in which I was raised. 

Now, that's not to say that my understanding of God hasn't grown and evolved over time. The evangelical in me wants to say that I've gotten to know God better over the years, but there are other parts of my self in the driver's seat right now, so I don't use that terminology as much anymore. So, I'll just say that things are different. 

About a year or so ago, I came to a impasse in my spiritual journey where I felt like God was wanting me to go on without him. I understand how strange that may sound, but I'd like to relay a little of my experience here, so please here me out. In some ways, I'm just beginning to move beyond this impasse; I suppose this goes to show how difficult it's been for me to navigate. 

It can be troubling, after all, when you first arrive at the place Wendell Berry referred to where you no longer know what to do and you know longer know which way to go. Joseph Campbell implied as much when he said, "If you can see your path laid out in front of you... you know it's not your path." I think what he meant by this is that your own path has not been and cannot be made by anyone else; it remains for you alone to blaze. 

Sadly, most people never arrive at their own path. Instead, they are content to follow the path of other people all their lives. Sometimes, though, one is compelled by forces unknown to launch out into the deep... to cut anchor and leave the harbor in which they have lived all their days. See the biblical character of Abraham for instance. He went out, not knowing where he was going, in search of a city that was "not built with human hands" (Hebrews 11:10). 

I like to think that this is the place where I recently arrived, at least in my own little way. My journey with God (as I understood God) had taken me as far as it could and it was time for something new. I liken it to a father-child relationship. At some point, the child has to grow up and move out of the house and embark on his of her own life. If this transition never occurs, one can assume that the parent has failed to equip their child for life without them. In that sense, I guess you could say it was like God finally told me to go get a job and find my own place.

Anyway.

I'd like to wax eloquent about this some more, but I'm afraid I'd get lost in the woods trying to explain what I mean any better than I already have. Instead, I'll leave you with one of my journal entries from back when I first sensed this transition occurring and tried to put it into words.

December 11, 2018

I'm at the end of a road. The way ahead is dark and cloudy. I've been walking with God but God has stopped and grown quiet. He says nothing. 

Gradually, it dawns on me: God wants me to go on without him. This confuses me as much as it seems right. It fits with my deepest beliefs but it also seems to contradict them.

I stand at the end of the road for a long time, just waiting. This can't be right. Yet it is. God still says nothing; he just looks at me. I ask for clarity, grasping for answers, but nothing. The truth is, I know what it means, I just can't accept it. 

I look for another way forward but there is none. No other path. There is only back, but I know I can't go back. Back is not an option. Could I stay here? God won't leave me, I know that. But somehow staying here is not an option either. God wants me to go on; he wants me to make the choice to go on myself. Without him. 

Suddenly it occurs to me: Everything prior to this moment has been preparation to bring me to this point. How did I not see this coming? 

Again, I look at the path ahead. I have no point of reference for going forward; it's all new. I can't make any sense of it. Yet, it draws me. It draws me and frightens me at the same time. Somehow I know that I won't continue to grow unless I take the path. I won't be who I'm made to be and I won't do what I'm called to do.

I know all of this without God telling me. Yet I wonder: Isn't it God who is telling me this? I hear the voice, yet the voice is not outside of me anymore. It is my own voice speaking through the mist. Was it my own voice all along? Is it God's voice even still? Does the distinction even matter? What matters is that I recognize the voice. It's the same presence... the same sense that I've always had. It is our voice.

Contemplating this reality both thrills and saddens me. I know that I have to make a decision. 

I think: God is my Father. I also am a father. As such, one day I will want my son to leave me, to live his own life and walk his own path. To be his own man. Even though I have tried to put everything good into him that I can... If he never leaves me, I will have failed him. 

I'll always be "with" my son, of course, even when he goes away. I will always be there for him. But I want him to go away. He has to grow up and leave me behind; there is no other way. Furthermore, he needs to want to leave me... to be able to go out on his own. To be the man he was born to be and to do the work he's been called to do. 

The realization strikes me afresh: I am the son. God is my father. It's time for me to grow up and go on without him. 

​Oh, shit. 

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